Never underestimate the power of eye-contact, this could be the most valuable skill anyone could have. Keeping eye-contact with someone shows courage above all else you’re saying. It communicates honesty, sincerity, sexual interest, and more. I think I’ve gotten to the point, where speaking has no meaning in an argument. I’ll just show inanimate nature but still look through to the core of a person, even when their frustration is at a breaking point and they’re becoming physically aggravated.

I don’t know if people have actually stumbled upon this theory before. I’m sure a lot of people have been in a situation.. where you have looked up at someone “interesting” to you, and it peaks your interest. Then they look back at you, could say the most banal of things.. it wouldn’t matter. If you’ve met eyes, and survey after survey will show after a few defining seconds your natural aggression, passion, wants, etc. take over. Every guy I’ve had good eye-contact with, were all great fantastic lovers. Every girl I’ve ever fought with, theres those few seconds of a stare-down then somebody throws a fist.

I’ve based so many, if not most of my sexual pursuits on this. You know those little 3 – 9 week relationships where its all heavy petting, making out past 11 then slowly giving it up more and more as time goes by and attraction grows.

Sometimes people will keep eye contact with me for too long, and then I’m uncomfortable. But I don’t know those people, but when you know somebody as well as this guy.. it’s almost jedi. But whats sick, is I’ve been crying, sad, just utterly broken because I get everything I want. I hate having things handed to me, I hate people devoting their time to me. I’m so much better off being shallow and jumping from relationship to relationship.

This domineering glare I have over him, he slinks back. Hes actually put up with, a whole lot of shit. This is what’s sick.. every girl just wants a man who will treat her right! And everything cotton candy shit. I’m all for being treated “Right” but I’d prefer “equal” These past guys I’ve been in long relationships with, have their balls in my trophy case. It’s really a psycho-social molding of abusive/loving treatment and the endurance, along with the tolerance of a certain individual. I won’t stop unless I’ve hit some exterior limit. I am testing this guy, day by day, wearing him down.. down.. and down.

Like take last night, it was 30 degrees outside. I took his cat, threw her outside, shut the door and said “She sleeps outside from now on.” And of course this incredulous look on his face, the shock and confusion just baffling him unpunctual. “But why, it’s freezing.” I just said, “Either she stays outside, and I stay in, or she comes inside and I go out.”

I’m making this poor, man choose between a 3 year old cat he loved and raised.. and a girl with an infectiously mean personality.

Okay any guy, who has a crazy bitch in his life, should throw that hoe to the curb for making him choose over his pet. But this guy? Holy shit, he didn’t want me to leave him SO MUCH that he CAVED. < That’s the test. The question obviously points to me, but men in these situations don’t want to lose a woman. But if he had any respect for himself and his personal domesticated animals, he would clearly see what a seriously cold-hearted, manipulative bitch I was.

And the serious boyfriends before this guy, Jesus fuck I was a serious little bitch. Arguing with everyones parents, questioning the parents involvement and careful consideration of burdens on their freedom and right to choose and just experience, growing all that. But I was literally, HATED. Except by those who closely knew me.

But that’s what the test is about, it’s a test for YOURSELF. Does anyone ever stop to think that I have feelings too? That I’m only stepping in and backing away, when it is absolutely vital that people need time for reflection. I love to help, I personally think I have too much things. I want other people to share, what knowledge and spiritual wakefulness I can offer. Also material things, I guess if people prize all this new lingerie and cosmetics and body things. I get bored with all of it.

He always tries to reassure me, “You don’t have to run away anymore.”

That’s not true. I’ll always be running.