What I never did is done.
I cant describe the way I am to you anymore. I cant put words to feelings I don’t have. I cant place the words to even explain why I don’t care. There’s just nothing but total apathy. When I look into those brown eyes, and I see a pool filling with tears.. and you’re just, surrendering your heart to a girl you’re convinced is your only one..
I just see emptiness in you. Total loneliness. You can’t manage to keep a day together, without me. You can’t go without thinking or worrying about me.
I have so many different drunk faces.
like.. crying/singing taylor swift “he is the best thing, thats ever been miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” while driving and holding the wheel earnestly. i mean, not driving. sitting at home, in my nascar recliner, obviously.
i think I’m still drunk from last night.
but this morning I’ve had a total heart-to-heart sympathy talk with an.. urban camper.. by the mini-market next to my apartments. where, i totally forgot to give him money that he needed.. and instead gave him a hug, and a case of beer from my trunk. you know, I’m not TOTALLY sure he “needed” that, because most people think of homeless people as victims of alcoholism, thus their whole lives crashing downetetc. but I figure, his life totally sucks in comparison to mine.. who am I to choose whether he drenches his nostalgia in alcohol, or throws cans of beer at random cars who honk at him to move out of the way when the light turns green. IDK!
and this, I cannot make this up. Losing balance and trying to walk in the direction the sidewalk is going to my apartment.. I see a guy, that looks almost dead and cold sitting at the bottom of a stairwell. this guy, I was at the welcoming party he had at the pool like a year or so ago, and then we never really talked. I drop all my shit, and in a flash I catch him from falling face-down into the concrete when he stood up. He was mumbling, and stumbling, and couldnt hold his weight.. and he began to cry, and talk about his friends his family, his hardships and his addictions. and throughout this entire time..
I kept my entire spine, aligned.. holding him up with little support from the stair railing.
I just assured him that, even though we hardly know eachother.. I knew his situation, and I’d do ANYTHING to help. you guys know, I’m a total bleeding heart.
substance abuse, relationships, etc. I related with stories of my own endurance, and conquering of my own inflicted struggles, and that.. it wasnt “them” it was my expected, conceptualized idea of “them.” Alright. Making this rest of this shit up to him, was like being a racounteur but funny. If I was a counselor, I know I’d be a damn good one cause I made up shit on the spot. We had this.. 45.. Forty.
minute talk.. where I mirrored his insecurity and problems, became his care-taker, and “truest friend.”
I eventually pulled the strength to arrange him seated, and in an eye-level position with me, so I could expontentially instigate absolute fear, or interest in what I had to say (either one of these maneuvers can break any substance- disillusionment
)= through constant eye contact, and physical contact. I was holding his upper torso up with my hands, as I kept him in my eyes and told him that.. I would hold him up, if he was “sore”.. and like giving him the utmost confidence that I could be a significiant figure in his life if he’d open up *more*.. and I would always WANT to know about what hes facing, wins or struggles.. and all else.. and then I finally had to pull out a cig.
look this guy was too heavy for me,
I couldnt hold his weight to get back to his door.
and then like.. I cant believe how horrible I feel right now.
I told him to “hold on” a sec while I went to my car for a lighter,
and I came back, and he was laying solidly cold on the sidewalk with blood
everywhere around his face and head.
I think I almost stopped breathing for a second, and I turned him over
and checked him over and over, he was barely respirating. so I got him on
his side and called EMS.
Alright, they came and got him.